Oh Anonz: I’m surprised. You actually commented on something else that I wrote. :) Thanks as it gave me something to write about today.
I think I need to be more clear. I was trying to be light in my write. ZL got my point. I was using the term ’slept with’ very loosely…in regards to ‘relationships’. My article was basically about women getting jealous of their mans past ‘relationships’, not what the man said or didn’t say to his current significant. But hey, you took it down a different road – I can hang with that. You did bring up some very valid points and obviously there is a lot to be said here and some areas that need to be addressed. So I will.
You are absolutely correct. I agree a man should never tell. My statement: ‘Now let me just preface that I really don’t think it is that stupid for a man to tell his significant other of past women that he has slept with, and especially women that he still has a friendly relationship with’ could’ve been worded to be more clear: ‘I really don’t think it is that stupid for a man to tell his significant other of past women that he was in relationships with’. (There should be no threat – the dirty deed has been done:) However, how he responds to her says it all. If she says, ’so, I hear you went out with her for awhile?’ He says it casually, like, ‘Yeah we went out for a few years, but it didn’t work.’ That’s cool. But if he says grinning, ‘Yeah, the sex was great but we fought a lot.’ Not cool.
I didn’t mean that it was okay for a man to go off in the mouth about all the women that he slept with to his now current love. Nor was I referring to a man who is ‘implicitly crowing as his sexual conquests flutter around him in her presence.’ Nor was I talking about revealing such intimate details. Any of the above is very disrespectful and any guy who does this is a cad in my mind too.
I was referring to ‘committed relationships’ when I was speaking of ‘ex’s not just a one-nighter or a casual date. I was speaking of a ‘relationship’ – I don’t call anyone I have slept with casually an ‘ex’. I was referring to relationships where it was assumed that the two involved were sexually active. ZL’s party example echos that. Have you not been in a committed relationship to know the difference between an ‘ex’ and a one-night-stand or do you call all of you sexual relationships ex’s? Maybe men do. I don’t. I was not referring to the man who says openly, ‘Yeah I fucked her.’ I was referring to the woman who is really asking a rhetorical question of her man, or grilling him, or if none was asked, it was jealousy by association.
I was referring to, as in my few cases, when a woman knows that I have been in a past relationship with her now present beau or husband and just decides that she doesn’t want me around anymore because we were in a relationship. She may not have asked him anything about us. Or knowing we were in a sexual relationship, she may have railed him with questions such as I mentioned which I would hope that he would say, ‘It is none of your business.’ Again, I was using the term ’slept with’ very loosely…in regards to ‘relationships’. Maybe, I should’ve been clearer. Or maybe you were just dying to broach the topic on a different level than I was referring to. Either way, I’ll carry on.
I don’t mean that he literally said to her that he ’slept with me.’ I hope that he didn’t just openly volunteer that information whether she asked or not. In my circumstances, to my knowledge, I had only one male friend who did tell the woman that he was marrying that we had slept together. I asked him why she wasn’t that friendly to me and he told me that she knew we slept together. Perturbed, I asked him why he brought that up and he said because she asked, and he didn’t want to lie. Well…ya know sometimes a little lie is the much better than the truth. He obviously wanted to get a reaction out of her and make himself feel good like, “Yeah, I had her.” And really, I wasn’t so sure that she asked; that he just didn’t volunteer the info to do just that. And however he informed her, either way, I was no longer friends with him after that and their marriage sadly but not surprisingly didn’t last very long. Had I known any of my male friends were revealing anything intimate about me, I would’ve ended those relationship too, but their significant other did it for me.
Lastly, yes I do have to agree that a man who reveals to his current significant other about other women is not only disrespectful to the woman, unless she okays it. But if she doesn’t, I realize it can be very damaging to the woman in his current relationship. I can attest to this because I was a very jealous woman in a relationship that I had and rightfully so. He never informed me of women that he had slept with prior to me, but his ‘implicitly crowing’ left me insecure and jealous all of the time. And the women weren’t ’smilingly fluttering’ around him. Except for one, his best female friend who swore for years that my jealousy was misdirected. I believed her but found out later my jealous feelings were valid. But besides her, it was his doing, his actions, that gave me the feeling that I was never enough. Thankfully, I don’t own those stupid insecure thoughts anymore. But believe me it took me years to get over them.
FYI: I think that your male chauvinistic side is showing. I wouldn’t dare give you advice but you might think of how this woman feels when you say, ”She just may not like being part of her cad’s mental harem as ‘you smilingly flutter’ around him.” First of all, I don’t like that you assume that my presence is a flirtatious one. That I am the cause of the threat because of some action that you presume I am doing or worse just because of the way I look. Sounds similar to the man who rapes the woman because she was wearing something revealing. ‘It was her fault,’ he claims, ‘She shouldn’t have tempted me.’ Well I’m not a threat just because I happen to be attractive. ’Blame it on the pretty girl!’
That being said, I don’t ’smilingly flutter’ around my ex’s. In fact I don’t ’smilingly flutter’ period. I respect relationships and in no way do I ever try to make an ex’s significant other feel uncomfortable in my presence in any way. And if I know that he has a jealous significant other, I try my best to not add to her insecurity. Maybe because I can relate and I didn’t like it when I was in that position. If she is threatened most likely it is from his actions or something from the past, not mine. So please don’t include me in the cad’s bad manners.
Okay, now I’m done. Thanks for bringing this up Anonz. It, like sex, is a topic that was worth diving deeper into.
Readers: It isn’t that simple. Do you think that all jealousy stems from somewhere? Do women and men feel jealous because of something in their past or can people feel jealousy when nothing to be jealous of is present? Comments? Blog me.
Doug: You had me laughing. Please don’t reveal our little secrets of me pretending you were my first…oops did I say that? :)
Oh…I just have to add one last thing: Ellen DeGeneres who is a big animal lover, will be talking about Prop 2 today on her show! Tune in wherever you live. See ya….
Gratefully your blog host,
michelle ♥
Aka BABE: Your Bad Ass Bitch Editor
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